Terry Real on Redefining Masculinity and Healing Relationships

Terry Real is a renowned therapist and bestselling author who has spent decades helping couples and individuals heal their relationships. In this wide-ranging conversation, Terry shares his insights on redefining masculinity, overcoming childhood trauma, and moving beyond toxic gender roles to achieve true intimacy and connection.

The Essence of Relational Life Therapy

Terry begins by explaining the core principles of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), the approach he developed:

"In RLT we call it like we see it. We say 'Tim, you're a nut and Mrs. Tim, you're an even bigger nut, and here's why and here's what I think you need to do about it.' Some problems are 40-60, some problems are 99-1. We call it like we see it."

This direct, no-nonsense approach sets RLT apart from many traditional forms of therapy. Terry believes in taking clear positions and offering concrete guidance, rather than playing the neutral mirror.

He emphasizes that RLT focuses on correcting what he calls "humankind's epistemological error" - the belief that we stand apart from nature and can control it. Instead, Terry argues we need to recognize our fundamental interdependence:

"You're not outside of nature, idiot. You're inside nature and you depend upon it. Our relationships are our biospheres. We breathe them. You're an ecosystem."

Moving Beyond Objectivity Battles

One key insight Terry shares is the futility of objectivity battles in relationships. He explains:

"Objectivity has no place in personal relations. The relational answer to who's right and who's wrong is who gives a [expletive]. What matters is how are you and I going to work this thing in a way that's going to work for us?"

Instead of arguing over who's right, Terry encourages couples to focus on understanding each other's subjective experiences and finding solutions that work for both people.

He gives an example of a couple arguing over driving styles:

"Her to him: 'Honey, I know you love me. Right or wrong, maybe I'm overly nervous or whatever. Nevertheless, when you tailgate and you go switch lanes and you speed up, I get crazy. I get scared. As a favor to me, could you please slow down and drive more conservatively?' And him to her: 'Okay.' And he does."

By moving out of objectivity battles and into relational requests, couples can resolve conflicts much more effectively.

Understanding Male Depression

Terry has written extensively about male depression, including in his groundbreaking book "I Don't Want to Talk About It." He explains that depression manifests differently in many men compared to women:

"A lot of men, unlike women, have what I called covert depression. You don't see the depression. You see what the man is doing to defend against the depression."

This can include behaviors like:

• Self-medication (alcohol, drugs)
• Rage and anger
• Philandering
• Radical withdrawal

Terry argues that many stereotypically "male" problems may actually be fueled by underlying depression. The key is addressing both the surface behaviors and the deeper emotional pain.

He also highlights how cultural expectations of masculinity contribute to depression in men:

"We are taught at 3, 4 or 5 years old, to deny our vulnerability, to disconnect from our feelings, to disconnect from others, all in the name of autonomy. We cut off half of our humanity."

This disconnection from emotions and relationships leaves many men isolated and struggling.

Redefining Masculinity

A major focus of Terry's work is helping men move beyond rigid, traditional notions of masculinity that are often harmful. He explains:

"What traditional masculinity teaches you as a boy, whether you want it or not, often through punishment, by today's standards, will give you problems in your relationship. You got to be vulnerable. You got to open your heart."

Terry argues that men need to "reconfigure masculinity" to be good partners in modern relationships. This means embracing vulnerability, emotional literacy, and connection - qualities often discouraged in boys.

He offers a powerful reframing of what it means to be a "family man":

"A boy's question of the world is 'What do you got for me?' A man's question of the world is 'What's needed here?' I teach men to show up as men and not boys. What's needed here?"

This shift from self-centeredness to considering the needs of others is key to mature masculinity in Terry's view.

Healing Childhood Trauma

Terry shares candidly about his own journey healing from childhood trauma and breaking intergenerational cycles of violence and depression:

"Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow."

He emphasizes that breaking these cycles requires intensive work and often professional help:

"You can't come from what you came from and have the happy healthy family you want without doing a [expletive] of therapy, a [expletive] of work."

Terry outlines his approach to healing trauma, which involves:

1. Addressing defensive behaviors
2. Working through the underlying depression
3. Healing childhood trauma at the root

He believes integrating all three levels is essential for deep, lasting change.

The Power of Relational Joy

One of Terry's core teachings is the distinction between short-term gratification and what he calls "relational joy." He explains:

"Gratification is pleasure. Short-term pleasure. You make a million bucks, great. A pretty girl flirts with you, great. I like pleasure in its place. Relational joy is the deeper down pleasure of just being there and being connected."

Terry argues that many successful, high-achieving people are actually deeply unhappy because they've pursued gratification at the expense of true connection. He sees his role as helping people discover the profound fulfillment of relational joy:

"That's the ace in my pocket because that's what we're born for. That's the only thing that will make you happy. Let me teach you to come down off your perch and enter into being a human being like the rest of us."

Practical Tools for Better Relationships

Throughout the conversation, Terry offers several concrete tools and practices for improving relationships:

Relational Mindfulness: Shifting out of reactive, defensive states and into a more grounded, compassionate mindset. Terry teaches people to "remember love" - to consciously recall that you're speaking to someone you care about.

Full Respect Living: Holding others in respect and regard even when you disagree with them. As Terry puts it: "I may disagree with how you think, but I hold you in respect."

Relational Reckoning: Honestly assessing whether you're getting enough from a relationship to make the challenges worthwhile. Terry suggests asking: "Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I'm not getting worth my while?"

Loving Confrontation: Directly but compassionately addressing problematic behaviors in others. Terry models how to do this effectively in therapy sessions.

Relational Empowerment: Moving beyond individual empowerment to consider how to empower your partner and work as a team. Terry contrasts "I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself" with "I was weak, now I'm strong, I love you, we're a team, let's roll up our sleeves and work on this together."

Conclusion: Courage to Change

Terry concludes with a powerful call to action, encouraging people to move beyond the default patterns they inherited:

"Have the courage to move beyond the defaults you were handed and do it with help."

He emphasizes that creating healthier relationships and redefining masculinity is revolutionary work that goes against much of what our culture teaches. But he believes it's essential for our individual and collective wellbeing.

By embracing vulnerability, emotional literacy, and true partnership, Terry argues we can heal our relationships, our families, and ultimately our society. It takes courage and often professional support, but the rewards of genuine intimacy and connection are profound.

Terry's work offers a roadmap for this journey - from healing childhood wounds to mastering relational skills to discovering the deep fulfillment of authentic connection. For those willing to do the work, a richer, more meaningful life awaits.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCGeeYLh_kw