Overcoming the Feeling of Falling Behind: Understanding Mimetic Desire

The Pervasive Feeling of Falling Behind

Many of us experience a nagging sense that we're falling behind in life. We look around and see others who seem to have it all figured out - the perfect career, a thriving business, a happy marriage, or a growing family. Meanwhile, we feel stuck, not hitting the milestones we set for ourselves. This uncomfortable feeling often stems from a psychological phenomenon called mimetic desire.

Understanding Mimetic Desire

Mimetic desire, a concept explored in Luke Burgis's book "Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life," explains why we want what we want. At its core, mimetic desire suggests that our desires are not entirely our own but are often modeled after the desires of others.

The Two Worlds of Desire

Burgis describes two distinct "worlds" that shape our desires:

1. Celebristan: The realm of celebrities, influencers, and public figures we admire from afar.
2. Freshmanistan: The world of people more like us - friends, family, colleagues, and peers.

While both worlds influence our desires, it's often the latter that contributes most significantly to the feeling of falling behind. We're more likely to feel inadequate when comparing ourselves to those in our immediate social circles than to distant celebrities.

The Mechanics of Feeling Behind

The feeling of falling behind typically follows this pattern:

1. We are at point A in our lives.
2. We want to be at point B.
3. We believe we should already be at point B.
4. We're not at point B, so we feel behind, inadequate, or like a failure.

This cycle can be particularly insidious because it's not just about setting and achieving goals. It's about questioning why we want what we want in the first place.

The Impact of Mimetic Desire on Our Lives

Mimetic desire can significantly influence our life choices, often without us realizing it. Here's how it might manifest:

Career Choices

We might pursue a particular career path not because it aligns with our passions or skills, but because it's what our peers are doing or what our parents expect of us.

Lifestyle Decisions

Our choice of where to live, what car to drive, or how to spend our free time can be heavily influenced by the choices of those around us.

Relationship Goals

We might feel pressure to get married or have children by a certain age simply because that's what our social circle is doing.

Financial Aspirations

Our financial goals - whether it's a certain salary level or owning a home - can be shaped by what we see others achieving.

Strategies to Overcome Mimetic Desire and Stop Feeling Behind

1. Identify Thick vs. Thin Desires

Burgis introduces the concept of "thick" and "thin" desires:

• Thick desires are deeply rooted, long-standing aspirations that align with our core values and bring genuine fulfillment.
• Thin desires are superficial wants, often adopted from others, that don't provide lasting satisfaction.

To differentiate between the two, ask yourself:

• Has this desire been with me for a long time?
• Does pursuing this desire energize or drain me?
• Would I still want this if no one else knew I achieved it?

2. Recognize Your "Michelin Stars"

Just as chefs pursue Michelin stars as a mark of culinary excellence, we often have our own "Michelin stars" - external validations we chase. These could be job titles, social media followers, or material possessions.

Identify your personal "Michelin stars" and question:

• Are these measures aligned with my authentic desires?
• Am I pursuing them because others value them, not because I do?
• Which ones would I give up if they conflicted with what truly matters to me?

3. Set Boundaries with Unhealthy Mimetic Models

Once you've identified sources of unhealthy mimetic desire, take steps to limit their influence:

• Digital boundaries: Unfollow or mute social media accounts that trigger feelings of inadequacy or unhealthy comparison.
• Mental boundaries: When feeling behind, pause and reflect on whether you're chasing an authentic desire or someone else's.
• Physical boundaries: Limit time spent with people who inspire envy or unhealthy desires.

4. Create Positive Flywheels of Desire

While some mimetic desires can be harmful, others can lead to positive change. Create momentum around your authentic desires:

• Start with a desire, even if initially inspired by others.
• Take action towards that desire.
• Let that action inspire related positive changes.
• Allow these changes to reinforce your original desire.

For example, if you start working out because a friend inspired you, let that motivate you to eat better, which might lead to better sleep habits, increased productivity, and so on.

The Power of Self-Awareness

Understanding mimetic desire doesn't mean you'll never feel behind again. However, it provides a powerful tool for self-reflection. When that feeling of inadequacy creeps in, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I running my own race, or feeling behind in someone else's?
• Is this desire truly mine, or am I adopting it from others?
• Does pursuing this goal align with my core values and bring me genuine fulfillment?

Redefining Success on Your Own Terms

Ultimately, overcoming the feeling of falling behind requires redefining success on your own terms. This means:

1. Identifying your authentic desires: Focus on the "thick" desires that have been with you for years and energize rather than drain you.

2. Setting goals based on these desires: Use your authentic desires as a foundation for setting meaningful, personal goals.

3. Measuring progress against your own standards: Instead of comparing yourself to others, measure how far you've come on your own journey.

4. Celebrating your unique path: Recognize that your journey is uniquely yours, with its own timeline and milestones.

5. Practicing gratitude: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate the progress you've made and the good things in your life.

The Role of Reflection and Journaling

Regular reflection and journaling can be powerful tools in understanding your desires and overcoming the feeling of falling behind. Consider incorporating these practices into your routine:

1. Daily reflection: Take a few minutes each day to reflect on your actions and motivations.

2. Gratitude journaling: Write down things you're grateful for to shift focus from what you lack to what you have.

3. Goal review: Regularly review your goals and assess whether they still align with your authentic desires.

4. Values clarification: Periodically reflect on your core values and how your actions align with them.

5. Progress tracking: Document your progress, no matter how small, to remind yourself of how far you've come.

Navigating Social Pressure and Expectations

Social pressure and expectations often fuel mimetic desire and the feeling of falling behind. Here are strategies to navigate these challenges:

1. Communicate your goals: Share your authentic goals with close friends and family to help them understand your path.

2. Set realistic expectations: Be honest with yourself and others about what you can achieve and in what timeframe.

3. Learn to say no: Decline invitations or opportunities that don't align with your authentic desires.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people: Cultivate relationships with those who encourage your authentic journey.

5. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when you feel you're not meeting expectations.

The Importance of Continuous Learning and Growth

While it's crucial to focus on your authentic desires, it's also important to remain open to growth and new experiences. This balance can help you stay true to yourself while still evolving:

1. Embrace curiosity: Stay open to new ideas and experiences that might align with your authentic desires.

2. Pursue personal development: Invest in learning and skills that support your genuine goals.

3. Seek diverse perspectives: Engage with people from different backgrounds to broaden your worldview.

4. Practice adaptability: Be willing to adjust your goals as you grow and change.

5. Celebrate the journey: Focus on the process of growth and learning, not just the end results.

Balancing Ambition and Contentment

One of the challenges in overcoming the feeling of falling behind is finding the right balance between ambition and contentment. It's possible to strive for growth while still appreciating where you are:

1. Set ambitious but realistic goals: Challenge yourself, but ensure your goals are achievable.

2. Practice mindfulness: Stay present and appreciate your current circumstances.

3. Recognize the impermanence of achievement: Remember that reaching a goal often leads to setting new ones.

4. Find joy in the process: Learn to enjoy the journey towards your goals, not just their achievement.

5. Regularly reassess your definition of success: As you grow and change, so too might your idea of what success looks like.

Conclusion: Embracing Your Unique Journey

Feeling like you're falling behind is a common experience, but it doesn't have to define your life. By understanding mimetic desire, identifying your authentic goals, and creating positive momentum, you can shift your focus from comparison to personal growth.

Remember, success is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Your journey is unique, with its own timeline and milestones. By staying true to your authentic desires and measuring progress against your own standards, you can find fulfillment and purpose, regardless of where others are in their journeys.

Ultimately, the goal is not to never feel behind again, but to build the self-awareness and tools to navigate these feelings when they arise. With practice and patience, you can learn to run your own race, celebrate your progress, and find contentment in your unique path through life.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP1uwBcpUeE