Overcoming Approval Addiction: A Guide to Self-Acceptance

The Illusion of Approval and Disapproval

Many of us spend our lives chasing approval and fearing disapproval from others. We believe that gaining approval will somehow enhance us, while disapproval will diminish our worth. But what if this entire concept is an illusion?

The Approval Experiment

Let's try a simple experiment to illustrate this point:

1. Stand in the middle of a room.
2. Have people boo you for 10 seconds.
3. Then have them cheer for you for 10 seconds.

What did you notice? Despite the dramatic shift in external feedback, you remained fundamentally unchanged. You were still you, regardless of whether people were booing or cheering.

This exercise demonstrates a profound truth: approval and disapproval are merely sounds. They don't alter who you are at your core. So why do we invest so much energy in pursuing one and avoiding the other?

The Futility of Chasing Applause

Many people dedicate their lives to chasing that moment of applause, believing it will finally make them feel "good enough" or validate their worth. But when we achieve that coveted approval, what actually happens? We experience a brief dopamine rush, and then... nothing changes.

We're still the same person we were before. The applause didn't transform us or fill some deep void within. And so, we often find ourselves chasing more and more approval, caught in an endless cycle that never truly satisfies.

Breaking Free from External Validation

To live authentically and confidently, we need to break free from this addiction to external validation. Here are some strategies to help:

1. Recognize Your Lack of Control

Understand that you can't control how other people feel or react to you. This realization is actually liberating. You're not responsible for managing everyone else's emotions - you're only responsible for being true to yourself.

2. Separate Your Worth from Others' Opinions

Just as a pair of sunglasses doesn't change based on whether someone compliments or insults them, your intrinsic value doesn't fluctuate based on others' opinions. You are who you are, regardless of external feedback.

3. Challenge Your Attachment to "Being at Your Best"

Many of us feel we're only worthy when we're at our "best" - looking our best, performing our best, etc. But this mindset gives away our power. Your worth isn't determined by how you look or perform on any given day.

4. Confront Your Triggers

Pay attention to what triggers feelings of insecurity or a need for approval. These triggers often point to unresolved issues or limiting beliefs that need addressing.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a good friend or a child. Would you tell a child they're only worthy when they look or perform a certain way? Extend that same compassion to yourself.

Exercises for Letting Go of Approval Addiction

The Unflattering Clothes Challenge

For one week, challenge yourself to wear clothes that you consider unflattering or out of character. This exercise helps you confront your attachment to appearance and external perceptions.

• If you usually dress up, wear casual or even sloppy clothes.
• If you typically dress casually, wear more formal attire.
• Wear old clothes that no longer fit well or reflect your current style.

Pay attention to how this makes you feel. Notice any discomfort or urges to explain your appearance to others. The goal is to recognize these feelings without letting them control your behavior or self-worth.

The Self-Check Alarm

Set alarms throughout your day (morning, noon, and night) to check in with yourself:

1. How am I feeling right now?
2. Am I holding any tension in my body?
3. What thoughts are running through my mind?
4. Am I judging or criticizing myself?
5. What do I need in this moment?

This practice increases self-awareness and helps you catch negative self-talk or approval-seeking behaviors.

The Scream Exercise

This exercise helps you confront fear of judgment and give yourself permission to be loud and expressive:

1. Find a safe space where you can make noise.
2. Take a deep breath and let out a loud scream.
3. Notice any resistance or self-judgment that arises.
4. Keep practicing, gradually allowing yourself to be louder and more uninhibited.

The goal isn't to have a "perfect" scream, but to observe and work through your own resistance to being seen and heard.

Unpacking Childhood Approval Patterns

Our need for approval often stems from childhood experiences. As children, approval from caregivers feels like a matter of survival. We internalize the belief that being approved of means being safe, loved, and cared for.

However, as adults, we need to recognize that this is no longer true. Approval isn't oxygen - we can survive and thrive without constant external validation.

Identifying Your Approval Sources

Reflect on whose approval you seek most intensely. Often, it's:

• Parents or primary caregivers
• Teachers
• Peers

Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking free from them.

Healing Childhood Wounds

If you experienced bullying, rejection, or lack of acceptance in childhood, it's important to revisit and process these experiences:

1. Allow yourself to feel the hurt you may have suppressed.
2. Validate your younger self's feelings.
3. Offer compassion to that younger version of you.
4. Recognize that you survived those experiences and are no longer in that vulnerable position.

The Power of Triggered Moments

While we often try to avoid feeling triggered, these moments can actually be powerful opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

Using Triggers as a Compass

When you feel triggered:

1. Pause and take a deep breath.
2. Ask yourself: "What about this situation is poking at something within me?"
3. Get curious about the underlying belief or fear being activated.
4. Use this awareness as a guide for what needs healing or examination in your life.

The Action-Trigger-Release Cycle

Instead of avoiding triggers, practice this cycle:

1. Take an action that challenges you.
2. Notice when you feel triggered.
3. Practice releasing the triggered energy through breath work, movement, or self-reflection.
4. Repeat this process to build resilience and self-awareness.

Embracing Imperfection and Authenticity

Letting go of approval addiction means embracing your whole self - imperfections and all.

The Beauty of the "Bird's Nest"

Instead of always striving to present a polished image, allow yourself to have "bird's nest" moments:

• Let your hair be messy sometimes.
• Wear clothes that prioritize comfort over style occasionally.
• Share thoughts or ideas even if they're not fully formed.

These moments of imperfection and vulnerability often lead to deeper connections and self-acceptance.

Redefining "Best Self"

Instead of thinking of your "best self" as a perfect, polished version, consider your best self as your most authentic self:

• The self that speaks truthfully
• The self that sets healthy boundaries
• The self that shows up with compassion for yourself and others

This version of your "best self" isn't dependent on external validation or perfection.

Practical Steps for Daily Life

Incorporating these ideas into daily life takes practice. Here are some practical steps:

1. Morning Intention Setting

Start each day by setting an intention to be true to yourself, regardless of others' opinions.

2. Approval Awareness Journal

Keep a journal to track moments when you find yourself seeking approval. Note:

• The situation
• What you were feeling
• What you were hoping to gain from approval

3. Self-Validation Practice

When you catch yourself seeking external validation, pause and offer yourself validation instead. Say something like, "I approve of myself for trying, regardless of the outcome."

4. Discomfort Exposure

Regularly put yourself in slightly uncomfortable situations where you can't control others' perceptions. This might be:

• Speaking up in a meeting
• Trying a new hobby in public
• Wearing something slightly out of your comfort zone

5. Celebrate Authenticity

At the end of each day, reflect on moments where you were true to yourself, especially if it meant risking disapproval.

The Freedom of Self-Acceptance

As you practice letting go of approval addiction, you'll likely experience a new sense of freedom:

• Freedom to express your true thoughts and feelings
• Freedom to set boundaries without fear
• Freedom to pursue your genuine interests and passions
• Freedom to be imperfect and still feel worthy

This journey isn't about becoming indifferent to others or dismissing all feedback. It's about finding a balance where you can engage with the world authentically, without being controlled by the need for constant approval.

Conclusion: You Are Enough

Remember, you are inherently worthy and valuable, regardless of external validation or achievement. Your worth doesn't increase with applause or decrease with criticism. You are enough, just as you are, in this very moment.

Letting go of approval addiction is a journey, not a destination. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you practice these new ways of thinking and being. With time and consistent effort, you can break free from the cycle of seeking approval and discover the joy of living authentically as your true self.

Embrace your "bird's nest" moments, your imperfections, and your unique voice. The world needs your authentic self, not a polished version seeking constant validation. As you let go of the need for approval, you open up space for genuine connections, self-discovery, and a life lived on your own terms.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvXqqtgBpMw