Lori Gottlieb: How to Build Healthy Relationships and Improve Communication

Psychotherapist and bestselling author Lori Gottlieb joins the podcast to discuss how to build healthy relationships and improve communication. Some key points from the conversation:

Understanding Our Feelings in Relationships

Gottlieb emphasizes that our feelings when we're with certain people are the best guide for how well-suited they are as partners. We often miss key signals by not paying attention to how we feel. She explains that feelings are like a compass - they tell us what direction to go in if we can access them.

However, many people are talked out of their feelings from a young age. Parents often try to talk children out of feeling sad, angry, or anxious instead of sitting with them and being present. This teaches us to ignore or suppress our feelings rather than using them as valuable information.

Self-Regulation vs. Co-Regulation

Gottlieb discusses the difference between self-regulation and co-regulation in relationships:

• Self-regulation is managing our own internal experiences and emotions
• Co-regulation is when our partner's calm state helps regulate us

She notes it's important to be able to self-regulate, but co-regulation from a partner can be very helpful. Ideally, at least one person in a relationship should be regulated to help stabilize things.

Reacting vs. Responding

A key distinction Gottlieb makes is between reacting and responding:

• Reacting is an automatic, unprocessed response often based on past experiences
• Responding involves pausing to think and choosing how to engage

She recommends creating space between a stimulus and our response to allow for more intentional communication. This helps avoid escalating conflicts.

The Danger of Maximizing in Relationships

Gottlieb warns against "maximizing" in relationships - constantly looking for something better rather than appreciating what we have. Dating apps can exacerbate this by creating an illusion of endless options.

Instead, she encourages being a "satisficer" - someone who is content when they find a good match rather than always wondering if there's something better out there. Maximizers tend to be less satisfied even when they find great partners.

Focusing on How We Feel With Someone

Rather than having a checklist of qualities we want in a partner, Gottlieb recommends focusing on how we feel when we're with someone. Do they bring out the best in us? Do we feel calm, content, and like our best selves around them?

She notes chemistry is important, but warns against mistaking volatility for excitement. A sense of peace and contentment with someone's presence is a good sign.

Grief and Moving Forward

On the topic of grief, Gottlieb emphasizes there's no one right way to grieve. Rather than "moving on" from a loss, she encourages "moving forward" - integrating the loss into our lives as we continue on.

She notes grief isn't something to "get over," but rather an ongoing process of making meaning of the loss and figuring out how to carry it with us as we move forward in life.

Making Choices for a Bigger Life

Gottlieb encourages people to "choose the bigger life" when making decisions. This means being intentional about creating a meaningful, purposeful life rather than just following conventional paths or staying stuck in comfort zones.

She notes it's okay to have desires and to go after what we truly want, even if it means diverging from others' expectations. Living a "bigger life" often requires taking risks and being vulnerable.

Overall, Gottlieb provides a wealth of insights on building healthier relationships, improving communication, and living more fulfilling lives. Her emphasis on understanding our feelings, regulating our responses, and making intentional choices offers a roadmap for navigating relationships and life's challenges.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYK4UFf8mlc