Mastering Emotional Resilience: A Referee's Guide to Not Taking Things Personally

The Journey Begins: Why Become a Soccer Referee?

A year ago, I made an unexpected decision - to become a soccer referee. Now, you might wonder why someone would voluntarily subject themselves to the often harsh criticism and intense scrutiny that comes with officiating matches. After all, the financial compensation is hardly enticing - a mere 20 euros per game. So, what drove me to don the black and white stripes?

Two primary motivations fueled my decision:

1. To maintain physical fitness
2. To learn how to stop taking everything so personally

Let's focus on that second point because it's a skill that extends far beyond the soccer field. It's a life lesson that can benefit us all.

The Referee as a Scapegoat: A Lesson in Resilience

As a referee, I quickly realized that I had inadvertently signed up to be everyone's favorite scapegoat. The crowd's chants rarely contain words of encouragement or positivity. Instead, you're more likely to hear shouts of "You're blind!" or "What a waste!" It becomes glaringly apparent that in the eyes of many, the referee is always wrong.

This constant barrage of criticism led me to ponder: How can I stop letting these comments get under my skin? How can I prevent myself from taking everything so personally?

The Universal Struggle: Taking Things Personally

Before we delve into strategies, it's important to recognize that this struggle isn't unique to referees. We all face situations in our daily lives where we're prone to taking things personally:

• When you're driving slowly, searching for an address, and the car behind you starts honking and flashing its lights
• When someone cancels plans at the last minute, making you feel unimportant
• As a public speaker, noticing audience members looking at their phones during your presentation

These scenarios can easily trigger feelings of being targeted, disrespected, or undervalued. But why do we react this way?

Understanding Our Tendency to Take Things Personally

When we take things personally, it's often our ego or self-esteem speaking. Our ego believes that others should always consider our feelings, that we should be immune to criticism, and that we must always be right.

But is this realistic or even desirable? Constantly being on the defensive, feeling like you're at war with the world, is exhausting. It drains your energy and prevents you from enjoying life to its fullest.

Imagine how much simpler life would be if we could stop taking things personally. We'd feel more free, more in harmony with others, and able to focus our energy on positive experiences rather than endless conflicts.

The Game Plan: Two Strategies for Emotional Resilience

Just as in soccer, life presents us with challenges that require strategy and practice to overcome. Let's explore two powerful techniques that can help us develop emotional resilience and stop taking things so personally.

Strategy 1: "It's Not About Me"

The first strategy involves shifting our perspective from "me" to "we." When we feel offended or hurt, we're often trapped in a self-centered viewpoint, thinking, "I, I, I."

But what if we tried to see the situation from the other person's perspective? Ask yourself, "Why might they be behaving this way?"

For example:

• The person looking at their phone during your presentation might have received an important message they've been waiting for
• The driver honking behind you might be rushing to an emergency
• Your child refusing to go to bed isn't a personal attack on you; they simply want to stay up later

By focusing on understanding others' intentions rather than assuming they're targeting us, we can avoid taking things personally.

The Challenge of Negative Thoughts

Implementing this strategy isn't always easy. Our brains generate around 50,000 thoughts per day, and only about 10,000 of these are positive. This means 80% of our thoughts tend to be negative.

When you see two colleagues chatting and they glance at you and laugh, your first instinct might be to assume they're mocking you. It takes conscious effort and practice to override this negative assumption and remind yourself, "I don't know what they're talking about. Their laughter might have nothing to do with me."

Training the Brain: The Referee's Approach

This is precisely why I became a referee - to train my brain not to assume everything is about me. Each week, I spend 90 minutes (the duration of a soccer match) practicing this mindset.

Before each game, I prepare myself mentally:

"Be careful, Frederick. There will be many triggers during the match. People will disagree with your decisions and shout unpleasant things. Remember, don't take it personally. It's not about you. They just want their team to win."

By consciously applying this strategy, I've found myself feeling more at ease on the field, even when coaches, players, or spectators disagree with my decisions.

Strategy 2: "It Is About Me"

While the first strategy is powerful, it doesn't work in every situation. Sometimes, the criticism or negative behavior does touch on something personal, something that truly hurts us.

When someone shouts, "You're useless! Find another hobby!" it can be deeply painful. In these moments, we need to turn inward and examine our own insecurities and self-doubt.

As a novice referee who has never played soccer, I sometimes question my abilities. The harsh words from others can amplify these doubts. This is when I realize, "This is about me. It's about my insecurities and my struggle to fully accept myself."

The Power of Self-Compassion

When we recognize that something has truly hurt us, it's crucial to practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the pain and try to understand its roots. Often, our deepest hurts are connected to childhood experiences or long-held beliefs about ourselves.

For instance, if you were constantly pushed to be perfect as a child ("Why didn't you get 10 out of 10 on that test?"), criticism in adulthood might hit particularly hard.

Vulnerability and Open Communication

In these moments, it can be helpful to express your feelings openly. Instead of bottling up your hurt or lashing out in anger, try saying something like:

"When you walked away to watch TV while I was talking, it made me feel like you don't care about what I have to say. That hurts."

By expressing your vulnerability and stating your feelings without blame, you make it easier for others to understand and consider your needs.

Putting It Into Practice: A Call to Action

Now that we've explored these two strategies - "It's not about me" and "It is about me" - I encourage you to put them into practice in your daily life. Imagine how much our relationships could improve if we all made an effort to apply these principles.

By learning not to take things personally, we can create a more harmonious world. We can reduce conflicts, improve communication, and foster deeper connections with those around us.

The Value of Emotional Resilience

Learning not to take things personally is an invaluable life skill. It's a form of emotional resilience that can protect us from unnecessary pain and help us navigate challenging situations with grace.

Remember, no matter what others say or do - whether they attack you verbally, criticize you unfairly, or ignore you completely - your inherent worth remains unchanged. You are valuable, regardless of others' opinions or actions.

Conclusion: A Referee's Wisdom for Life

As we conclude this exploration of emotional resilience, let's recap the key takeaways:

1. Recognize when you're taking things personally
2. Apply the "It's not about me" strategy by trying to understand others' perspectives
3. When necessary, use the "It is about me" approach to practice self-compassion and open communication
4. Remember that your value is not determined by others' words or actions

By incorporating these strategies into our lives, we can reduce stress, improve relationships, and cultivate a more positive outlook. Just as a referee must maintain composure amidst the chaos of a soccer match, we too can learn to stay calm and centered in the face of life's challenges.

So the next time you feel yourself taking something personally, pause and ask yourself: Is this really about me? And if it is, how can I respond with self-compassion and open communication?

With practice and patience, we can all become masters of emotional resilience, creating a more understanding and harmonious world in the process.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM