Mastering Difficult Conversations: Expert Strategies for Leaders

As a leader, having difficult conversations is an essential but often dreaded part of the job. Whether it's giving constructive feedback, denying a promotion, or even firing an employee, these conversations can be uncomfortable and stressful. However, avoiding them can lead to bigger problems down the road.

In this article, we'll explore expert strategies from executive coach Alyssa Cone on how to master difficult conversations and make them more productive. We'll cover specific scripts and frameworks you can use, as well as mindset shifts to approach these conversations more confidently.

The Importance of Difficult Conversations

Before diving into tactics, it's crucial to understand why difficult conversations are so important:

• They provide necessary feedback for growth and improvement
• They address issues before they become bigger problems
• They build trust and respect when done well
• They create clarity and alignment
• They are essential for driving results and performance

As Cone puts it: "Through that upset, on the other side of that can often be a whole new possibility and a whole new revelation and actually a lot of joy and freedom."

While it's natural to want to avoid making others upset, by having these conversations you're actually helping them in the long run. Not giving feedback robs people of the opportunity to improve.

Mindset Shifts for Difficult Conversations

To approach difficult conversations more effectively, Cone recommends the following mindset shifts:

1. Recognize your discomfort, but don't let it stop you. It's normal to feel uncomfortable, but remember the conversation is ultimately for the other person's benefit.

2. Get clear on your intentions. You're not trying to hurt feelings, but to help the person improve and succeed.

3. Build relationships so feedback is better received. Regular positive feedback builds trust.

4. Focus on observable facts, not judgments. This makes the conversation more neutral.

5. Prepare and practice. Having a script or framework ready reduces anxiety.

6. Be willing to listen and have a two-way dialogue. It's a conversation, not just you talking at them.

Scripts for Common Difficult Conversations

Having specific language prepared can make difficult conversations much smoother. Here are some scripts from Cone for common scenarios:

Giving Performance Feedback

"Matilda, I want to chat with you about the way you're interacting with your peers. What I'm hearing from them is that you're missing deadlines on a regular basis and not letting them know you're missing the deadlines. Also, you're not fully keeping your team up to speed and so they're kind of confused, wondering around.

Now we both know that the most important way you can be successful here and also achieve your goals is to make sure that you are working with your peers in a way that's consistent and that they can count on you and you can count on them.

I want to let you know about this. I want to certainly hear what you have to say, but the most important thing is that we leave this discussion knowing how you're going to make sure that you're keeping your peers in the loop and also your team in the loop."

Key elements:

• Start with "I want to chat with you about..."
• Focus on what you're hearing/observing, not accusations
• Tie it to their success and goals
• End with clear next steps

Denying a Promotion

"Matilda, I know this is going to be challenging for you to hear. I know you were hoping to get that promotion, but I want to let you know that we are going to actually be looking for an external candidate.

I want to give you a few thoughts about why. First of all, in discussing this with my peers, I'm realizing that we need someone who has done this role multiple times in the past and has that experience. Number two, I think it's really important that they have expertise in a specific realm that we've identified is really important.

So for those reasons, we're going to bring someone in from the outside. We're not going to promote you, but I want you to know this: Number one, it's really important to me that you're able to succeed in your career here and so I want to continue to help you find opportunities to build your skills and to advance. And then number two, when we bring this person in, I'm committed to finding someone who's a great people leader who is going to help you build those skills."

Key elements:

• Be direct and upfront early in the conversation
• Explain the reasoning clearly
• Offer hope and a path forward

Potential Termination Warning

"Matilda, we have to have a conversation right now. I've talked to you multiple times about coordinating with your peers and not having them surprised about missed deadlines. And I've talked to you multiple times about keeping your team in the loop on different things.

After six months of these conversations, I want you to know that the peers continue to feel like you're operating on your own without coordinating with them, and I continue to hear from your team that they're not fully on the same page.

I need you to know that this is very important. I need you to fix this within the next 30 days. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say we're going to have to find a way to part ways because I can't keep this going with you.

I know you have it in you to change. I value all you bring to the table, but if you don't fix these things, we're not going to have a future together."

Key elements:

• Recap previous conversations and feedback
• Be very clear about expectations and timeline
• Express confidence in their ability to improve
• Be direct about consequences

Handling Defensive Reactions

Even with the best preparation, the other person may still get defensive or emotional. Cone recommends this script for handling those situations:

"Let's pause for a second. First of all, I want you to know that I'm telling you this actually just to make you better because I know how important your career is to you. I know how important success is to you, and it's important to me too as your leader.

The second thing is, my observation is that you're getting a little bit emotional. I want to know if we can continue having this conversation now or if we need to kind of pause it. At the end of the day, we really have to have this conversation and I really want to see you make changes, but I understand you might need a few moments to digest it."

This allows you to:

1. Reaffirm your positive intentions
2. Acknowledge their emotional state
3. Offer a pause if needed
4. Reinforce the importance of the conversation

Making Meetings More Effective

Difficult conversations often happen in the context of meetings. To make meetings more productive overall, Cone recommends ending every meeting by answering these three questions:

1. What did we decide here?
2. Who needs to do what by when?
3. Who else needs to know?

Going around the room and having each person answer "What did we decide here?" can surface misalignments and ensure everyone is on the same page. Assigning clear action items with owners and deadlines creates accountability. And identifying who else needs to be informed improves communication across the organization.

The Founder Prenup

For startup founders, some of the most critical conversations happen with co-founders. Cone recommends having a "founder prenup" conversation before starting a company together. Key topics to discuss include:

1. Values - What are your core values and how do they align?
2. Vision - What does success look like for the company?
3. Conflict styles - How do you each handle conflict?
4. Decision making - How will you make decisions when you disagree?
5. Company culture - What kind of culture do you want to build?

Having these conversations early can prevent major conflicts down the road. As Cone notes, 65% of startups fail due to co-founder conflict, so alignment here is critical.

The Leader's Role

Finally, Cone emphasizes that a leader's job is not to make employees happy, but to drive results. While you should care about your employees, focusing solely on keeping them happy can lead to avoiding difficult conversations and failing to address performance issues.

Instead, focus on creating a winning culture where:

• Everyone understands their role and its impact
• There's a clear structure for success
• The team works together to achieve milestones
• Wins are celebrated

This type of environment, even with some difficult conversations along the way, will ultimately lead to more engaged and satisfied employees.

Conclusion

Mastering difficult conversations is an essential leadership skill. While they may never be easy, having the right mindset, scripts, and frameworks can make them much more productive. Remember that by having these conversations, you're helping your employees grow and succeed in the long run. With practice and the strategies outlined here, you can approach difficult conversations with more confidence and achieve better outcomes for everyone involved.

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvF0ZM8DjuI