Embracing Self-Kindness: Elizabeth Gilbert on Relaxation, Purpose, and Writing Letters from Love

Elizabeth Gilbert, bestselling author of "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Big Magic", recently sat down for an insightful conversation about self-kindness, relaxation, and the power of writing letters from love. In this wide-ranging discussion, Gilbert shared her thoughts on overcoming purpose anxiety, embracing a more present-focused life, and the transformative practice of cultivating self-compassion.

The Power of Self-Kindness

Gilbert emphasized the importance of developing a kinder inner dialogue, noting that many people struggle with persistent negative self-talk. She introduced the concept of writing "letters from love" - a practice where individuals write to themselves from the perspective of unconditional love.

"What if you were to think of the biggest tornado going on in your life right now... and if you were to go into that same exact tornado tomorrow and not one external thing changed, but you were relaxed - would you be more or less effective at handling it?" Gilbert posed this thought-provoking question, highlighting how a more relaxed and compassionate mindset can improve our ability to navigate life's challenges.

The Origins of Letters from Love

Gilbert shared the origins of her "letters from love" practice, which began during a particularly difficult period in her life:

"I remember waking up one night in just shame and getting an instruction... and it said get up, get a notebook and write to yourself the words that you most wish that somebody would say to you."

She described how this practice provided comfort and a new perspective during a time of intense emotional struggle. The letters often include phrases like:

• "I've got you"
• "I'm with you"
• "I'm not going anywhere"
• "I love you exactly the way you are"
• "You can't fail at this"

Gilbert noted that this was her first experience with truly unconditional love, as the voice in these letters didn't require anything from her or demand that she change or improve.

Overcoming Purpose Anxiety

One of the key topics Gilbert addressed was the concept of "purpose anxiety" - the pressure many people feel to discover and fulfill a unique, world-changing purpose. She critiqued the common narrative that suggests everyone must find their one special calling and devote their life to mastering it.

"I hardly know anyone who doesn't suffer from purpose anxiety," Gilbert observed. She went on to describe how even highly successful individuals often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty about whether they've truly fulfilled their purpose.

Instead of fixating on a grand, overarching purpose, Gilbert suggested a more present-focused approach:

"What if that was the entire purpose of my life - just that moment?" she mused, recounting a story of spontaneously helping a stranger by holding their ladder. This perspective shift encourages us to find meaning and purpose in small, everyday acts of kindness and presence.

Embracing Relaxation and Presence

Gilbert introduced the concept of a "relaxed woman" as a radical and revolutionary idea. She noted that while we often admire qualities like resilience, strength, and vulnerability in women, true relaxation is rarely modeled or encouraged.

"What would be a revolution would be a relaxed woman because I never saw one growing up," Gilbert stated. She went on to outline three key elements that help her maintain a relaxed state:

1. Boundaries
2. Priorities
3. Mysticism

Boundaries

Gilbert emphasized the importance of setting clear boundaries to protect one's energy and well-being. She shared personal examples of limiting contact with individuals who consistently leave her feeling drained or unsettled.

Priorities

Discussing priorities, Gilbert challenged the notion that women must prioritize everyone and everything. She suggested focusing on just four or five key priorities and being willing to let go of things that don't truly matter to you.

"The reason that these emails have been sitting in my inbox for months is not because I'm too busy, it's because I don't care," Gilbert admitted, highlighting the importance of honesty in identifying our true priorities.

Mysticism

Gilbert described mysticism as the element that truly allows her nervous system to relax. This involves practices like meditation, two-way prayer, and connecting with a sense of something greater than oneself.

"I need to have access to a deeper perspective to be able to be relaxed enough to actually say and mean 'I have no cherished outcome,'" she explained.

The Creative Process and Choosing Projects

Gilbert also shared insights into her creative process and how she chooses which projects to pursue. She described a method of "interviewing" her ideas, asking them to make proposals about why she should invest her time and energy in them.

"I'm a real hardass about it. I don't mess around. I don't let these ideas push me around," Gilbert stated, emphasizing the importance of discernment in selecting creative projects.

She also touched on the challenge of sticking with a project when new, seemingly more exciting ideas arise:

"I give you permission to quit working on that first project, but only if you have a proven track record of ever being able to finish a thing."

Cultivating Self-Friendliness

Throughout the conversation, Gilbert returned to the theme of self-friendliness and its transformative power. She encouraged listeners to experiment with speaking to themselves more kindly, even if it feels uncomfortable or unnatural at first.

"You have never done enough, you'll never be enough, you should be ashamed of yourself... that's the normal dialogue," Gilbert observed, describing the negative self-talk many people experience. "What about like, you know, our negative bias thinking is always trained toward worst possible outcome, but could it just as likely be that you are loved and lovable?"

She challenged listeners to try on this more compassionate perspective, like a pair of boots, and "take it for a walk" to see how it might shift their mindset over time.

The Substack Newsletter: A New Platform for Connection

Gilbert also discussed her decision to start a Substack newsletter as an alternative to traditional social media platforms. She described it as a "reverse technology" that allows for meaningful connection without the negativity often found on other platforms.

"Every week I will talk to you and I will talk about this process of learning how to write and speak to yourself, toward yourself, from a place of friendliness and love," Gilbert explained. The newsletter includes her own letters from love, as well as contributions from special guests ranging from celebrities to everyday people with inspiring stories.

She emphasized the supportive community that has formed around the newsletter, with subscribers sharing their own letters from love and forming connections with one another.

Conclusion: Is the Universe Friendly?

Gilbert concluded the conversation by posing a profound question: "Can you imagine that something might love you?" She referenced a quote often misattributed to Einstein about whether the universe is friendly, suggesting that this is a question worth contemplating throughout one's life.

"If it's friendly, the suffering might have a point," Gilbert mused. She encouraged listeners to approach life's challenges with this perspective, asking, "How do you want me to move through this terrible-looking thing?"

Ultimately, Gilbert's message is one of hope, self-compassion, and presence. By cultivating a kinder inner dialogue, embracing relaxation, and focusing on the present moment, we can navigate life's challenges with greater ease and find meaning in even the smallest acts of kindness and connection.

Whether through writing letters from love, setting clear boundaries, or simply being more present in our daily lives, Gilbert's insights offer a roadmap for a more compassionate and fulfilling way of being. As we learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a dear friend, we may find that the universe does indeed feel a bit more friendly, and that we are, as Gilbert suggests, "loved beyond measure by a magnificent, complex, amused God."

Article created from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afTSoaIKwNs